?

Log in

Stacey [entries|friends|calendar]
Charlie

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(hold me closer)

[08 Aug 2008|09:31am]
I am so tired of closed minded people. There is one person at work currently, that I cannot stand to be around. He considers himself the perfect Christian, yet when he went overseas recently, he got a girl pregnant in Ireland and had to ship her off to Spain to get an abortion, because in Ireland, abortion is illegal.
He is the cockiest, most self involved human being I have ever met. And he is so high and mighty, that he thinks his hurtful comments are important and are justified.
How dare he spend the entire night telling me he thinks Jonny is weird and he doesn't get along with him, then insinuate that it's because Jonny is gay. This, coming from someone who nicknames himself 'Princess', and fawns over movies like '27 Dresses' and 'PS, I Love You'.
I do not tolerate homophobia. If he says anything about it again, I will own him.

(hold me closer)

[20 Mar 2008|01:04am]
work is getting worse and worse. molly's last day is friday and after that there is no one to work those shifts. i refuse to let tammi come back from her holiday early even though i am in dire straits.
and just lost 2 drivers.
no response yet for the ad we put on trade me. i am really at a loss. there's nothing i can do if there is no one to work the shifts, and i can't miraculously do them myself. i am tired and frustrated and i can't sleep which isn't helping matters.
rich is way too stressed with his own job to care about what's happening with me.
i am trying to keep a level head and stay positive but i feel completely overwhelmed and helpless. it is just heaping up on top of the situation with mum and dad and i am completely buried.
it's just too much for one person to bear, and murray and steve don't seem to care. when i told them about mum and dad they told me they were there if i needed anything, but they're not. i need time off work.. i feel completely unstable, but they can't help with that. i just have to keep on keeping on.
nothing is making me happy at the moment. not even my super large fafi haul. i feel uninspired with life. i want to work for mac more than anything in the world. if canada falls through i am going to apply at d&a next year. i am over the stress. i don't want to be the boss anymore, i want to work for someone and be happy and enjoy my job.

(hold me closer)

[03 Mar 2008|01:08am]
Mum moved out on Friday. I don't really know what's going on. On top of that Rich isn't speaking to me, I've done nothing wrong. He doesn't seem to care that I am upset about all of this. He is more concerned with himself. Maybe this will be the end of us.

(hold me closer)

[17 Feb 2008|09:47am]
god i feel like shit today. haven't had a decent sleep yet. just kept nodding off on fi's couch. now home and mozart looks super enlarged because fi has a tiny wee kitten and he is so light, so picking up mo fluff is hard!
dylan and limewax was good. very good.
randomly met some people that now rich's ex. strange as it may be, it made me feel better when they told me they didn't like her and that she's fucked in the head.
bleh. the inside of my mouth is all chewed up and i'm hungry but i don't really want to chomp down on anything.
taking a pill and a tab was a new direction for me.. it definitely did the trick. and much better than 2 pills. i felt as though i had more control and was much more aware of everything, instead of it all being a huge haze. i don't know what happened to tammi. she's just too hard to deal with on class a's.. a real lost soul. i feel bad but there's nothing i can do.
i feel siiiiiiiiick. bleh. i wish rich would hurry up and text me so i can go over there to sleep. can't believe he didn't go.

(hold me closer)

[14 Feb 2008|09:05am]
for some reason i always get really anxious in the week leading up to a gig. it doesn't help that rich is going, that makes me twice as nervous. i think it's just because i really hate the whole 'scene' and how everyone is so fake and all know each other and act like buddies etc.
fi is helping me feel relaxed. it should be fun. she's going to cook me tea on saturday night and we'll go in together. should be a crazy night. i have to learn to keep my mouth shut and not be so chatty when i'm on anything.
rich is stressed. i think it's just best for me to be quiet and not do anything to make him grumpy. he doesn't need any more on his plate. when he's ready he will vent and he has been in small doses. he just gets worked up.
going to do fi's make up for saturday. exciting! can't wait to do the make up course, and cos fi will have wednesdays off when she finishes managing, she's goint to be my model :D yay
bleh, i should really be going to the gym.

(hold me closer)

[07 Feb 2008|09:13am]
it was nat's last shift last night. she gave me some flowers and a photo of us from her birthday. so cute :( i cried heaps, and had trouble getting to sleep last night. i will miss her so much.. she really does brighten my day whenever i see her.
kate resigned last night, completely randomly. it was so strange. the day before she was talking to me about taking on nat's wednesday shift and that she wanted more hours. probably something along the lines of being a teenager and having a social life is more important. i guess she'll figure out soon enough that she needs money in order to do a lot of things she enjoys and her mum can't really provide for her in that respect. oh well, nothing i can do about it.
rich is having a tough time at work. looks like it will be another rough year for him, which no doubt will strain our relationship. even though we have never acknowledged valentine's day, i think i will do something nice for him this year. just to show him that i really do appreciate him and what he did for me at christmas. i love him SO much. he makes my life so much easier just by being himself and listening to me when i am upset, and he really looks after me. he and the boys have been getting on better this year, which is good for him. i think he was starting to miss being able to talk to them and spend time with them. i guess it goes in cycles. sometimes they're ok, sometimes they're dicks.
i already know what to get him for his birthday... i will have to put it on lay by soon because it will be very expensive..
i really need to get control over my spending this year. i would say 90% of my money earned this year has been spent on mac, and while i still want to be able to get whatever i want from new releases, i need to match that with money put on my credit card etc.
bleh. no work today. working on the cricket tonight with fi. and we don't get paid until tomorrow because of the stupid public holiday, so i think i have $1 until then.
i really can't wait for dylan and limewax. tammi is coming with fi and i.. i'm not sure if i will be so forgiving if she just pouts and gets shitty this time. it's her choice to come.

(hold me closer)

[31 Jan 2008|10:47am]
oh happy day! dylan and limewax on feb 16!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was getting so worried that no one would bother to book them.. it seems quite last minute. i actually can't believe it. my absolute favourite plus my absolute second favourite. dream come true! methinks i will be floating on a cloud until then!

(hold me closer)

eurgh, hiccups! [24 Jan 2008|10:14am]
[ mood | content ]

it's sad about heath ledger. only because it really hits home about how easily anyone could die. nothing is certain.
work has been great since i got back. although i am definitely sore from standing up so much!! had a few interview yesterday, one guy was full on CRAZY. said he had spiritual powers and stuff and that's why he was on a sickness benefit.
a couple of girls seemed decent, but who knows.
not sure if i will do the make up course running from feb or the one in may. may might be more viable, just in case the other one clashes with split enz. hopefully i can work on the big kiss/ozzy osbourne gig in wellington while i'm up there.
bon jovi this weekend! lots of hairspray and mullets all around, i am guessing. should be a long and gruelling day, but so worth it for the cash!
been hassling murray about a pay rise. found out fi is on more than me and she is running a much quieter store. i could manage a pizza hut store for a fuck load more than i'm on now. so hopefully he will be sensible and give me lots of money! then i can pay off that motherfucker of a credit card, while still purchasing the things that i want. i mean i'm doing that now, but it'd be nice to speed up the debt reduction. and my student loan will be all done by the end of this year too! hooray! then, depending on the c/c, i could try to get my loan paid off too because that is due to be finished early next year. then i can start saving for disneyland :D and the mac pro store haha.
i have been thinking that once i finish my course, i will start freelancing just to get some experience and build a portfolio. i can't wait to do fi's wedding. that'll be a biggie.
specktra posted a full colour store for the fafi collection, the only eyeshadows are in quads, but the rest of the stuff looks so hot.
now in a complete change of subject, tammi and sonny seem to be going quite well. it weirds me out that he works with tim. even moreso because he has talked to tim about me.
i am feeling a bit weird about rich at the moment too. just a few things i don't understand.
tim told sonny that rich just started bringing me home 3 years ago and never talked about me to them. they only know my name, and tim has never talked to me because he wasn't sure if he should because he thinks rich is strange. that really got me thinking. it's interesting having another perspective on something you thought about for so long.
i'm not really bothered that rich doesn't talk about me. i'm pretty much his secret girlfriend, meaning that we just don't go out and no one at his work knows much about me.
i really feel like i want to spend more time with my friends. going to fi's this saturday to watch a movie and she is cooking me tea <3 fi would be my favourite person to be around because she is just so easy going. we are so similar in personality and we are both really relaxed and i can talk to her about absolutely anything. she's pretty much my twin. i think i will talk to her about my confused thoughts regarding rich.
going to rock my new rozz revival lipstick today! i'm scared though! i don't wear bright lip colours, really. eek!

(hold me closer)

it's apathetic, not apathic you idiot! [18 Jan 2008|10:32am]
handed my cv in yesterday :) and dad has offered to pay for the minifies course :D
couldn't resist buying more stuff, but put most of it on layby. i have to pay off all laybys before fafi comes out! that is going to be the mother of all hauls for myself.
bon jovi money should help with all of that, though. fingers crossed it'll be a full day, preferably over 12 hours! can use some of that money for my hair appointment and for n collection.
thinking i might change my hair appointments to 8 weekly instead of 6 to save some money. it's not that expensive, but it'll count when i'm living with rich. last few days of holiday now.. luckily i'll get to spend all weekend with rich :D
<3

(hold me closer)

[16 Jan 2008|02:26pm]
stupid contours. the lady seemed so pissy when i told her i wanted to transfer and got all hostile asking me why. then she said it has to be approved by the owner of the shirley branch and that she would ring me later on to discuss it.
when i signed up they told me i could transfer to another branch if i ever wanted to.. and i do want to.
if i'm not transferred by next week i will kick up a fuss. i want to be able to come home from rich's in the morning, have breakfast, go to the gym then come home and shower etc and go to work.
so.. done nothing exciting today or the last few days other than my trip to mac. should have my car repairs paid off by the end of jan... just in time for n collection and fafi for mac. those two are going to do some serious damage to my wallet. *sigh* oh well.

(hold me closer)

[14 Jan 2008|08:43pm]
i am very happy at the moment. i'm not sure how i feel about work at the moment, it could be great if we get some good people on board. i suggested to murray that we both have a meeting with tammi to discuss the pay issues, because it will affect me as well.
my holiday has been lovely so far. i really enjoy the brief time off rich and i have together every january. we don't even really do much, just hang out; spend time together. he is back at work today and has started his new mission of working out after work. he ran to st andrews and back. pretty impressive! on wednesday when i go to work to do pay roll, i will go to my gym and transfer to the northlands branch. i think staying on track will be much easier because rich and i can push and encourage each other and set goals together.
went to mac today. all the girls are encouraging me to hand in my cv.. but i just feel that the likelihood of someone leaving are very slim. i know i wouldn't leave if i worked there!
got some stuff from the originals collection and sculpt and shape. put 4 things on lay by, bought 3 things and got a free lipstick with my b2m empties. free mac is the best thing ever!
i think in this week of my holiday that i have to myself, i will try to do lots of things. i need to do mundane shit like tidy my room and wash my car, but i want to do a lot of reading etc.
today i spent some time reading about mars, possible artificial structures on the planet and the possibility of there being remnants of an ancient civilisation and that mars may be going through global warming. i also read some stuff on the disclosure project and also the mayan calendar and 2012.

revising my cv tonight. have a lot to update on it.. it's 3 years old. i also need to make sure i go into minifies this week to enquire about their next course. no more fucking around and doubting. i'm going to do what i want to with my life.

(hold me closer)

[12 Jan 2008|01:13am]
i know mac isn't hiring right now.. but at least they'll know i'm interested. i don't know what i want to do in the mean time. i don't want to stay at work when tammi leaves, but i am definitely not quitting without something to go into straight away. getting a job isn't guaranteed for anyone. rich was unemployed for almost a year when he was in his early 20s. i don't want that to happen to me.
he's putting the pressure on me to move out. it's ok, i want to live with him, but i need to learn some discipline and pay off my credit card debt before i leave home, otherwise it will be too difficult. and i want to do that make up course before then too, because it is around $700... and if i move out i need some job stability.
murray's not going to give me a pay rise. he can't afford to give tammi one so he certainly can't afford to give me one. sucks for him, i guess. he'll be hard pressed to find another tammi and stacey who will do so much for him for so little pay and recognition.
everyone seems to be leaving, some i am sad about, some not. i just feel like i should be moving on with my life and doing something that will make me happy. i feel stagnant. at least there are some things to look forward to this year, especially fiona's wedding, and if i aim to be out of hell by the end of the year, i will be much happier.

[04 Jan 2008|08:46am]
i am so sick of bull shit.

(hold me closer)

[03 Jan 2008|11:46am]
meow!! fi is engaged!!!! :D my wedding present to her is doing the make up for the bridal party.. of which i am a bridesmaid. tee hee. i'm so excited :D
her ring is beautiful.
i had the best new years of my life... it was so much fun. fi and craig were so cute and craig kept telling me how happy he was that i am fi's friend, and thanking me for always being there, and that he wants me to be there for the rest of our lives. i love fi :)
we took pills.. i took too much, cos i had a rocky come down and i was hot and cold sweats really bad all night but was still good :)
we went to a little pier at the estuary and let off fireworks, then hung out at fi's house, then went and sat on the beach. got to talk to sammi who had taken half a pill.. first time ever. she was so cute. and jenna!! also first timer, was lovely to talk to her too. i still feel really tired though! last night was gay and hot and i couldn't sleep.
anyway.. a lovely way to start the new year. :D

(1 tiny dancer | hold me closer)

[27 Dec 2007|11:11am]
best.christmas.ever.
i got the most retarded amount of presents, and they were all awesome.
$200 in mac vouchers from mum
$200 in mac vouchers, split enz ticket for wellington show, silicon cupcake pans, usual johnsons lolly haul from dad
gucci 2 (fave perfume ever) and mary poppins from tam
cake stand that looks like a cupcake, engraved framed photo of me and nat and cupcake smelling hand cream from natty
chocolate from scott
$100 from my nanny
$50 ballantynes voucher from kath
5 piece pasta dish serving set from fi for when rich and i move in <3
and!
sylvanian grand hotel, living room set, bedroom set, four poster bed, cat family, butler set and beaver family from my bub. he went to so much trouble to make my christmas special.. he is the sweetest thing
and turkey and cranberry sandwiches for lunch today!! :D

(hold me closer)

[24 Dec 2007|01:30pm]
i am so relieved rich has finally finished work for the year. this year has been strange for us.. we had a fight on friday morning and barely spoke until yesterday.
when i finally went over there yesterday he started drinking and got through 2 and 1/2 bottles of wine.. and decided to play confess all.
he finally admitted that his job is taking a huge toll on our relationship and that he is really unhappy about it. all he can think about is work and it is stressing him out and making him really tired. he also told me that his ex had shown up on his doorstep on friday night unannounced and that he was in two minds whether to tell me or not, but felt guilty for not telling me, even though nothing happened. i think she wants to talk to him.. i told him i didn't want him to see her. i don't know why i feel so uncomfortable about it.
she told him to buy me lots of presents, because he never bought her presents, i am the first person he has ever bought presents for, and that she wants to meet me, but i don't think i'm quite ready for that...
he said he's very happy with me and happy to be moving in with me. mark is moving out in may, so i guess it'll be around then that we will be moving in.
we went grocery shopping last night at midnight while he was still drunk.. took us 2 hours. he has been so lovely to me. he told me we could buy anything we wanted and we ended up spending 220 on groceries!
he also bought a turkey and is going to cook me christmas dinner.. and he is going to buy some tequila today so we can make margaritas tomorrow night <3
i can't wait for tomorrow... i just want to be with him. even though i sometimes feel weird about our relationship, i know deep down that we just work and we will probably be together for the rest of our lives.
craig proposed to fi last night, and her ring is beautiful. she asked me to do her make up for the big day :) i can't wait!

(hold me closer)

[19 Nov 2007|04:02pm]
mac are hiring a part time artist
:(
i need professional qualifications.
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

(hold me closer)

[19 Nov 2007|09:33am]
[ mood | cosy ]

it seems strange that i have been remembering my dreams of late, after years of not remembering any.
last night i dreamt that the lechero from prison break was a drug dealer, and my grandmother's driveway had a table down the side of it with bags of pills all over it, so i grabbed some thinking it would go unnoticed then almost was killed for it..
i also dreamed about jodi, and some sort of argument with her, but i don't remember many details.
last week i dreamed that i was being possessed by a ghost, and the feeling was really scary, and realistic. it felt like being drenched with water... but all the way through my body. so strange.
i also dreamed that rich and i were watching a spanish movie with no subtitles and i found it really hilarious but he couldn't understand it and i was laughing really crazy.
weird...
rich got pissy at me on saturday because i felt really queasy and only had one drink so we didn't really talk to each other, then on sunday we started drinking at about 11am, and bet on the gallops and the harness racing.. it was kind of fun. i chose the horses for their names and some of them came through, some didn't. i think it was about 50/50.
he told me i need to sort out whatever it is in my head that makes me hate myself so much. he's right. i don't know where it came from. not my parents. they were both very loving and supportive. i can't even remember when it all started.
i have a lovely fluff ball sleeping across my shoulders keeping my neck very toasty <3
oh yeah... i saw jono on the news last night. it was pretty random. good though. made me think about how much happier i am now, and better off without him. :D

(hold me closer)

[16 Nov 2007|08:37pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

sometimes richard is really hard to understand. he is either really supportive/caring/understanding, or abrupt/emotionless/cold. i wish he would be one or the other. i can't tell which angle he'll take and i find it frustrating. his way out of anything is 'just break up with me then'.
it drives me nuts. today he is in an uncaring mood.
evidently i should have a reason for feeling down, and if i don't, i shouldn't feel down at all. i can feel however the fuck i want. why do i have to know all of the time? how can i tell him that he is partly to blame? he wouldn't accept what i have to say. he would tell me to grow up or not be pathetic, or to break up with him.
i hope i can sleep tonight. these last 2 weeks have been hard. mounting pressure, no sleep... a potentially crumbling relationship.
i care for him so much, and would do anything for him. absolutely anything. but that means nothing because i feel sad most of the time. he's probably right. i do need to face up to the deeper causes of all of this, but who has time? i'm not brave enough. will i ever be?

(hold me closer)

[12 Nov 2007|10:58pm]
feeling weird today.. not quite myself. i talked to maff for 2 hours. he is very similar to me in a lot of ways. personality, sense of humour.. our ability to pretend everything's fine. he's a cool guy and i haven't had an online friend since i was 16. it's nice to talk to someone and tell them exactly what i think and feel and not worry about consequences or being judged. and if he doesn't like something i have to say, then it's all good. we can end the friendship.
new mac is out on thursday. i need to be sensible and only buy what i will wear.. not just to have it and make myself feel temporarily happy. i feel horrible at the moment. not depressed, just incredibly grey... no feeling at all. i think it's worse. i would much rather feel despair than nothing at all.

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]